(..continued)
- Boundaries
Healthy boundaries cannot be over emphasised. As parents, we often mean well, but it is important to consider whether our child and their spouse are comfortable with our actions. Sometimes, forcing our help can unintentionally undermine them.
One selfless mom had four sons. She loved assisting everyone, more so her children and their spouses. She meant well. However, her ‘help’ would sometimes cross boundaries. Her sons would gently remind her with the simple phrase, “Mom, you’re being ‘over helpful.’” She appreciated it, because it showed her when she was crossing boundaries. Moreso, she was sincere in wanting to be of assistance. She really didn’t want to be overbearing or cause problems in their marriages. Remember! If you as a parent are genuinely trying to help, crossing boundaries is counterproductive. Instead of helping the couple, your actions will cause bad blood between them.
There is a balance to be struck here. Do not become informal to the extent you start crossing boundaries, and offending your child or their spouse. By the same token, do not be so formal as you would be with a total stranger. Both extremes are dangerous.
- Don’t Abandon Them
Maintaining boundaries does not mean withdrawing or being cold. Boundaries shouldn’t make you nasty! Many parents take these boundaries personally and create distance between themselves and the couple. Don’t be that parent. Your children still need you after marriage, as much as they did before. Be present for them, not overbearing. Again, sincerity is key here as well. If you sincerely want your child to be happy, respect their boundaries while still remaining available should they need you.
- Encourage Autonomy
Encourage your child to be an adult and make adult decisions. Imagine your child made a decision after Mashwarah with their spouse. They then change the decision after speaking with you. How will the spouse feel? What picture does this paint?
Your child made you a part of their life by keeping you informed. Appreciate that. Tell them how it pleases you that they’re making such important decisions as a couple. What’s the need to point out the hundreds of ways it could go wrong? What’s the need, at that point, to bring out the thousand other approaches? Ask yourself, was every decision you made in your life perfect? Have you never experienced loss or pain because of your decisions?
Criticising their decision-making is not going to encourage growth in your child. Cut the apron strings while you can. Tomorrow when you’re not around, how will your child survive if you never allowed him/her to make their own decisions? If you truly care, you’ll consider their long-term benefit.
- Inclusivity Matters
You love your family unit. They are your people. You are most comfortable with them and happiest in their company. This is natural. But remember your family has now expanded. You have not lost a child, rather you have gained one. Treat you son or daughter in law like your own child.[1] Genuinely. Give them a chance to become a part of ‘your people’. Never exclude your son/daughter-in-law from any family moment.
Many outwardly pious families use Pardah as an excuse to exclude in-laws.Whilst the laws of Pardah must be strictly adhered to, don’t misconstrue them into barriers. Shariah has never said that Pardah means we must become enemies. Just as the laws of Hijab are part of Shariah, equally, upholding family ties is part of Shariah too! Make Mashwarah with a senior regarding how to go about striking this balance.
- Dua
Ask Allah Ta’ala for guidance in being a good parent and parent-in-law. Ask Allah Ta’ala to guide your child to make the correct and most expedient decisions in their life. Ask Allah Ta’ala to increase the love between your child and their spouse, and between yourself and the couple. The Duas of the parent can be the difference between a successful marriage and a failed one. Make Dua for the couple every single day. They need your Duas more than you know and more than they know. Never underestimate the power of your Dua as a parent.
To be continued Inshallah.
[1] There is onus upon the son/daughter-in-law to become a part of the family too. Compromise is necessary on both sides. Guidelines for sons/daughters-in-law can be found here.