“I feel so disconnected from my child after marriage.”
“We’ve grown apart.”
“I’ve lost my child.”
“He only cares about his wife now.”
“She pulled away from us since tying the knot.”
If you felt this way or verbalised any of these comments, this series is definitely for you. Chances are that these sentiments signal a much deeper attachment issue. More often than not, one borne by insecurities. Yes, it is hard to share your child; your flesh and blood whom you moved heaven and earth in bringing up. But clinging on to your married child only increases the hurt and hardship. Eventually, the pain causes resentment and bitterness all round; the parent, the child and mostly the spouse.
Do you want to stay connected? Start by letting go. Paradoxically, letting go is the best way to remain connected to a newly married child.
Inshallah below, we will discuss a few practical points which will assist us to forge healthy relationships with our married children and their spouses.
- Prep Work
A healthy parent-child relationship, post marriage, does not begin when our children tie the knot. It begins well before. The values we instil in them. The lessons we impart to them. Have we guided them to be excellent human beings? While we cannot control every outcome in their lives, we do have the responsibility of raising them with integrity, Chances are, if your child is a good human, they’ll be an excellent spouse too.
We seek out the best spouse for our child as intently as a jeweller searches for a rare gem. Have we ever pondered for a moment, “Have I shaped my child into the best possible spouse and human being?”
- Did I teach my daughter how to be a pillar of her marital home? That being loving, helpful and of service to her husband is praiseworthy. That being subservient is not a weakness, rather it is the greatest strength a woman possess. Through which she will gain the persuasion of her husband.
- Did I teach my son how to be a gentleman, abundant in chivalry, tolerance, romance and bravery? Did I instil in him the qualities of carrying his wife and children, and putting them before himself and his needs?
Building our children for marriage will not only help them, but it will help us as parents too. When you fostered your child to be a good spouse, you’ll be as proud as a peacock when they’re living that destiny. There’ll be no space for insecurities and the ilk.
Furthermore, when your child is of marriageable age, ensure they are prepared for their new chapter. Empower them in every and any way possible. Advice, literature, tips, sittings with experienced elders and Ulama, pre-marital workshops etc. This intense preparation should cover every aspect of their marital life from intimacy, hygiene, character, bedroom etiquette, to the way they speak to their spouse.
- Space and Time
Relationships require space and time to blossom. As a parent, do everyone a favour and afford your child and his/her spouse the space and time their relationship requires. Don’t be a helicopter parent, especially after your child is married. The time to instil good values was when your child was in your home, under your wing. Now he/she must start their own home and family using the values you instilled in them. Now is certainly not the time to be controlling their every move and poking your nose into their affairs.
Yes, not everything they do will conform to life in your family home. But keep in mind that they will carve their own path now, and build their own family home. Getting too involved in their marital life is a guaranteed recipe for disaster. Yes, offer advice. Be approachable and open to sharing advice when they need it. But after that, live and let live.
- Encourage and Assist
Advise only when you are asked. Unsolicited advice does more harm than good. Carry yourself in such a way that they will come to you for advice, instead of thrusting it down their throats at any available opportunity.
Help them to build their nest. Check in on them that they are prioritizing their marriage and family over all else. A major part of assisting them to settle into life is allowing them to make their own decisions and, inevitably, their own mistakes. They will learn and develop through these experiences just as you learnt through yours. This part can be tricky. The child who you protected so fiercely, will now be vulnerable to harm. To add insult to injury, it’s because of his/her own decisions. Don’t allow this sentiment to get the better of you. Take a step back and wait. Because growth requires a degree of pain.
Lend the couple strength from your strength and stability from your stability, built over the years. And in doing this don’t ever expect them to become your henchmen. Give and let live.
- Never Compare
Don’t expect their marriage to be a carbon copy of yours. Don’t expect their home to be exactly as yours was. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t force your married child to act and react the way you would. They might not prioritize the things you do, and that’s fine. Respect them enough to let them tailor-make their lives, just as you tailor-made yours. No two individuals are the same. No two couples, families or marriages are the same. Understand this well. Every family has their own unique story. Observe with love and Dua, your child and their spouse authoring and co-authoring their story.
- Don’t Interfere
Don’t be a nosy parent. Don’t ask personal questions. Don’t put your child or their spouse in an uncomfortable position. The new home has a pilot and a co-pilot. Neither of those are you. Let the pilot steer the plane and let the co-pilot assist. If they are happy to share something with you, appreciate it. If they aren’t comfortable sharing, respect it.
- Understand Your Role
Your son now has a responsibility to his wife. Your daughter has a responsibility to her husband. Both of them play active roles on a daily basis within their family and home. Your role is to support them when needed and requested. Beyond this do not take the liberty of assuming any other role. It often comes from a place of affection. But remember, the greatest affection your married child needs is to let him/her take care of their spouse.
To be continued Inshallah.