A Start
It is imperative that we discover the love language of our spouse. But more importantly, it is necessary for us to discover our own love language first. For some it will be easy, and for others not so much. Think of the things you enjoy and make you feel emotionally satisfied. Give it genuine thought for a few days and then settle on one. Give yourself a few days or weeks of practice in that specific love language to make sure. This will allow you to view your love life and your spouse from a clearer vantage point and interact with greater meaning.
How to discover the love language of one’s spouse? The easiest pointer is to think of the requests they make most. Has he been asking you for a home cooked meal? Chances are his love language is ‘Acts of Service.’ Does he always beg you to go out together? Chances are his love language is ‘Quality Time.’ She even tells you, “When last have you ever bought me a bouquet of flowers?” If that does not scream ‘Receiving Gifts’ to you then perhaps an appointment at the audiologist is what you need.
Another good pointer can be reading the body language of your spouse. Are they ultra enthusiastic when you suggest a romantic date? Probably ‘Quality Time.’ Do they gleam at the slightest compliment? Probably ‘Words of Affirmation.’ Are they always reaching out for your hand? Probably ‘Physical Touch.’
Communicate with your spouse, even regarding love languages and his/her current tank status. Ask them how full they feel? What could you do to improve? Sometimes we overcomplicate things. It will take some mental and emotional effort to figure out your love languages. You might not get it right the first time. But this effort is surely worth it for the gift of a happy marriage.
Most importantly, for the one seeking to revive their marriage; Dua! Together with making the effort of investigating the love language, learning it, speaking it etc. make sure we always turn our attention to Allah Ta’ala. He is the controller of hearts, and only He will turn the heart of our spouse towards us and the marriage.
Ulama have prescribed duas from the Mubarak Hadith to create love between couples. An easy one is;
أَللَّهُمَّ آدِمْ بَيْنَنَا
O Allah, create love (and mutual understanding) between us.
Furthermore, it is imperative that we correct our Niyyah; we are only doing this exercise for Allah Ta’ala’s pleasure and to gain the rewards of being a dutiful spouse. An additional, important point to note is that all of this is already found in the beautiful Sunnah of our beloved Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam). Therefore, we will earn the great rewards of making Amal on Sunnah by practicing the above. With implementing Dua and the correct Niyyah, there is no limit to the heights our marriage can reach. Irrespective of how impossible it seems, or what lows we currently experience.
There’s possibly a question in your mind right now; “What if, after figuring out my spouse’s love language, I am unable to speak it!?” Insha Allah, in the next chapter, we will discuss how to learn a love language which we are not fluent in.