In the last article we explained about emotional love tanks and filling them through a specific love language. We also introduced you to the five love languages. As promised, we will now provide a little more detail, how to speak the love languages, and signs on how to identify a person’s language. We have also included handy tips to improve ourselves in the relationships with those who differ from us in their love language.
- Words of Affirmation
A person needs to be told how much they are loved. They require verbal affection. For people of this category, verbal compliments or simple words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. Do not take any comment lightly if this is your spouse’s love language. Imam Muslim رحمه الله brings the following Hadith in the chapter he titles ‘Treating Women Well’. How beautiful are the words of our beloved Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi wa Sallam):
مَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الْآخِرِ، فَإِذَا شَهِدَ أَمْرًا فَلْيَتَكَلَّمْ بِخَيْرٍ أَوْ لِيَسْكُتْ، وَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ
When a true Mu’min witnesses any matter occurring, he addresses it in a beautiful manner or he remains silent. And treat women well! [Saheeh Muslim:1468]
The Mubarak Ahadith are replete with the aspect of being careful regarding our words. This is of much greater importance when it comes to our spouses and the necessary caution must be exercised for a smooth sailing marriage. How beautiful is the Hadith recorded in Bukhari:
إن العبد ليتكلم بالكلمة من رضوان الله لا يلقي لها بالا يرفع الله بها درجات وإن العبد ليتكلم بالكلمة من سخط الله لا يلقي لها بالا يهوي بها في جهنم
Verily a servant (of Allah Ta’ala) will utter one (apparently trivial) word without second thought, which pleases Allah Ta’ala (the connotation of the statement doesn’t cross his mind, he isn’t very aware of what he uttered, and he doesn’t even recall his statement after a while). This statement will take him to extremely high ranks in Jannah. And similarly a person will utter a statement without second thought, which displeases Allah Ta’ala. This statement will throw him into the depths of Jahannum. [Saheeh Bukhari:6113]
Do you appreciate something about your spouse? You liked the way they looked today? Are you grateful for something they have done for you or your family? Be sure to say it to them aloud, in no unclear terms. It is as simple as, “I appreciate how hard you work in supporting this family,” “I see how much of effort you make for the home and children being kept in order,” “You look beautiful/handsome today” etc.
֎ Tips:
Some dialects of words of affirmation include:
- Affectionate words (“I really love you”)
- Kind words (“you are so good at….”)
- Encouraging words (“You did so well by…”)
- Humble words (Remember love makes requests, love does not demand).
֎ Make sure to watch your tone when saying anything. Tone can sometimes be as important as the words you are saying.
֎ Start speaking positively about your spouse to others in their absence. (This works wonders with your spouse’s parents and siblings. They will love you for it, and they will relay it to your spouse who will feel like a million dollars. (How is that for two birds with one stone?)
֎ Not big on words? Write your spouse a hand-written note expressing what you feel. Handwritten notes are a love language on their own.
- Quality Time
A person who speaks this language simply requires time with their spouse. Not just any time – excellent quality time. Meaning undivided attention and deep conversation. Togetherness. Remember togetherness is not only proximity! Sitting on the couch whilst each one is immersed in their devices, does not constitute quality time! Being in the same room is not quality time. Merely living under the same roof is no guarantee or acceptance of this as love.
Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) has given us this guideline in the most concise and beautiful of manners:
فَإِنَّ لِزَوْجِكَ عَلَيْكَ حَقًّا
Verily your wife has a right over you! [Saheeh Muslim:1159]
Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) told this to Amr Bin Aas (Radiyallu Anhu) when he requested permission to fast on during every day of his life and recite Quran throughout every night. Imagine how much more pertinent this advice is for the one who sacrifices quality time with his family for hobbies, friends and entertainment!
Give your spouse undivided attention, look into their eyes as they talk to you. Do something that you both enjoy. Do it wholeheartedly. Do not think about yourself and whether it is something you enjoy or not, remember you are trying to speak in their love language and fill their emotional love tank. The chances are quite high that, if done sincerely and willingly, you will also somewhat start enjoying the activity after a short while.
֎ Tips: Make a list of the activities your spouse enjoys doing. Schedule one for every week. These can be as simple as taking a short hike, kicking a ball together, having a meal your spouse loves etc.
֎ Never underestimate the power of quality conversation.
֎ For some, especially men, there is a need to learn how to engage in conversation. Not only answering or responding to what you are asked, rather, being part of a healthy, mutual conversation. This too constitutes quality time. Learn to express your feelings and thoughts in conversation. You can start by making a list of emotions you experience throughout the day and explain them to your spouse. Many of us are brought up being taught that expressing your emotions is weakness. This is certainly not the case. Nowadays, to enjoy a fulfilled marital life, it is necessary to express your emotions to your partner.
- Receiving Gifts: Gifting is an age-old gesture of love and warmth. Humans, and even animals have done this for their loved ones since the beginning of time. Some people love being gifted. It does not matter what the gift is or how much it costs, it is the fact that they were in your mind that counts. This fills their love tanks more than anything else. This love language is explicitly mentioned in the Mubarak Hadith as well.
تَهَادَوْا تَحَابُّوا(موطأ مالك:2268)
Exchange gifts, you will love one another. (Muwatta:2268)
By gifting one’s spouse with the correct intention, one will receive multiple rewards: looking after the heart of a Muslim, loving one’s spouse, practicing on a great Sunnah, making another Muslim happy and more. This is one of the easiest love languages in fact. A person whose love language is gifting does not look at the nature or price of the gift. If your spouse negatively comments on the gifts you have gotten them, chances are that gifting is not their primary love language. This is obviously only when there is not constantly a huge discrepancy between your financial bracket and the nature of gifts.
֎ Tips:
If you have a mindset of being penny wise, you will have to work on adjusting it when it comes to gifting your spouse. Remember, spending on your spouse and family is one of the greatest forms of Sadaqah!
֎ Never underestimate the power of a simple handmade gift or handwritten note. These are powerful communicators of love for a ‘Receiving Gifts’ personality type. One of the most unique gifts a spouse can share is a hand-written note or letter. It speaks volumes and is something cherished forever. Put some effort into your letter, put it in an envelope even. You will be amazed at what it will do for a spouse that loves gifts, and it will not break the bank either!
֎ The gift of self also speaks loudly to a person who loves receiving gifts. Gift your company to your spouse.
֎ If you are not particularly good at gifting, try learning. Remember, you are never too old to learn.
Inshallah in the next article we will continue with the remaining love languages.