عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال ثلاثة حق على الله عونهم : المكاتب الذي يريد الأداء والناكح الذي يريد العفاف والمجاهد في سبيل الله (الترمذي#1655, النسائي #3218)
Abu Hurayra (Radiyallahu Anhu) has narrated that Rasulullah (Sallalahu Alayhi wa Sallam) mentioned, “Allah Ta’ala has made it incumbent upon Himself to assist three people; the slave who intends purchasing his freedom, the one who marries to protect his/her chastity, and the Mujahid striving in His path.”
Marriage is afforded the utmost importance in Islam. The blessed name of Allah Ta’ala is invoked, the Nikah must be announced and must be performed in the Masjid, witnesses are required, and many more sacred rituals are necessary for its accomplishment. Then we find oceans of guidelines and advice in the treasures of the Quran Majeed and Hadith Shareef, directly addressing husbands and wives to guide us through our marital relationships.
This is because marriage is the bedrock of humanity. “How?”, you may ask. This occurs because healthy marriages create healthy families, healthy families create healthy communities, healthy communities create healthy societies, healthy societies create healthy towns, cities and countries, all of which in turn create a healthier humanity! Yes! The answer to our societal degeneration is in strengthening our marriages. And this is why Islam has emphasized marriage so much.
We need to learn how to engender healthiness within our marriages, for knowledge is an imperative key to success in any venture in life. Below are a few tips which may assist us in creating the correct mindset for both spouses.
Tips for a happy and successful marriage
A dreamlike islamic wedding, a young and happy groom-to-be and bride-to-be who are ecstatic about stepping into a new world of joy. A couple of months later, reality sets in and they realise marriage is not as easy as it sounds. It takes a whole lot of patience and effort to make a marriage work…
1. Enter marriage with the right aim and renew your love often
Both the husband and the wife must enter marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah Ta’ala, to receive His blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship, for which the spouses will earn constant rewards.
Allah Ta’ala will be pleased with them and this will be crucial to ensure peace, stability, love and harmony throughout their marital life. You must realise that when an act of worship is sustained for a long time, it becomes necessary to renew the love and one’s intention often. This is to help you stay on the correct path without wavering and reap the optimum benefits of Allah Ta’ala’s blessings.
2. Bear in mind that your Spouse is also a brother or sister in Islam
Often Muslims treat other people with kindness and sincerity but behave differently with their spouses. Muslims must remember that one’s spouse is also another Muslim’s brother or sister. Hence, he/she should be treated with respect and love. The rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (or sisterhood) of Islam should also be the base of the marital relationship. Though a spouse has rights that go beyond these, there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood, and we must adhere to these values. Unfortunately, let alone treating our spouses as partners, we sometimes don’t even afford them the rights of a brother/sister, and often not even the rights owed to a human.
3. Don’t hold unrealistic expectations
Before marriage, people carry unnecessary and unrealistic ideas about their partner especially when it comes to perfection. This concept rarely pans out in reality and this results in an unnecessary rift between the couples when expectations are shattered.
Remember that Allah Ta’ala made humans imperfect. This means that mistakes are bound to happen throughout their lifetime. So, when you turn the table and expect some imperfection, you will be surprised and delighted when the spouse displays any degree of perfection. This will add more contentment within the marriage.
4. See the best in your partner
No one is blessed with all of the good qualities. Acknowledge the positive qualities your partner carries. Encourage them, praise them and express gratitude for their support. It will strengthen their good qualities and deepen your relationship. Attempt to ignore the bad qualities and enjoy the positive ones. As the Prophet (Sallalahu Alayhi wa Sallam) said,
لَا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً، إِنْ كَرِهَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَرَ [صحيح مسلم:1469]
“A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her but will find another in her that is pleasing.”
5. Be your partner’s best friend
The beginning of a beautiful partnership begins with friendship. So, be your spouse’s best friend. This may mean sharing interests, dreams, failures, experiences, achievements, and other ups and downs. It also involves knowing your spouse better by learning about their likes and dislikes and attempting to please them in any way possible. Stating the obvious, a best friend is someone whom you can confide in and trust. Similarly, a spouse should be your friend whom you want to be with for the rest of your life.
6. Spend quality time together
It’s not enough if you share meals, run errands and have a small talk together. A Husband and wife should find the time to communicate with each other and focus on strengthening the relationship. Often, couples become busy with their separate tasks that they forget to work on the most important part of life – their relationship. Having some quality time together will bring them closer and enhance the depth of the marriage. Quality time can be anything – from a quiet, deep conversation to going for a nice, long walk amidst nature or getting involved in a special hobby or project. Both husband and wife must enjoy this moment and keep away unnecessary distractions.
7. Express your feelings
An absolutely important concept which we might consider “Western” and one which most people find difficult is expressing one’s feelings to each other (both positive and negative). Don’t keep your emotions and feelings bottled up. Open-up to your partner. The lines of communication must be open. And any issues of importance must be brought to the attention of your spouse. This is because what begins as a simple concern may grow into a big problem if not discussed quickly and properly. The “silent treatment” is never a remedy for anything.
8. Admit your Mistakes and Ask for Forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah Ta’ala to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should do the same with our spouses. A strong person is the one who admits he/she is wrong, asks for forgiveness and works hard to improve aspects that need change. If a person is reluctant to change bad behaviour, it can impact the marriage as there is little scope for development in the relationship.
9. Never bring up mistakes of the past
Reminding your spouse of their previous mistakes can be very hurtful. In Islam, it is recommended not to dwell on the past. One may remember mistakes that were made so that they are not repeated but it shouldn’t be done excessively. As humans, we are not given authority to judge another person. You may give advice but with wisdom and compassion.
10. Surprise each other with a token of love
Prepare that special meal or buy a small gift or flowers as a token of your love. Dress up and look good for yourself and for your partner (this is not just for women, but men too). A little imagination goes a long way. The idea is to spice up your marriage and avoid any dull moments that will affect your relationship with your spouse.
11.Tickle that funny bone
Sense of humour is a great way to avoid arguments and lightening the mood. Life is unpredictable and full of challenges and tests. Approaching it in a light-hearted manner will make the journey bearable and pleasant. You will also find that your spouse finds this trait endearing and will look forward to spending time with you.
Quick tips while having discussions and disagreements:
- Initiate the discussion to solve the problem. If both of you are willing to consult and compromise together, the solution will be successful.
- Remember it takes two to quarrel. If one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument.
- Both husband and wife should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses is angry, let the other remain calm and collected. It is best to avoid more arguments. Don’t add fuel to a raging fire.
- Never go to sleep with an unsettled argument. It is undoubtedly one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and must be avoided completely. It not only causes hurt feelings but overthinking and unwanted thoughts creep up, which will escalate the issue.
- Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Yelling only aggrevates the problem and one might spew hurtful words which may not be intended.
- If one spouse must win, let it be your partner. Don’t focus on winning yourself. This is the main reason many discussions tend to become an argument and much worse. In doing this we will also be eligible to the excellent reward mentioned in the blessed Hadith of Nabi (Sallalahu Alayhi wa Sallam),
أَنَا زَعِيمٌ بِبَيْتٍ فِي رَبَضِ الْجَنَّةِ لِمَنْ تَرَكَ الْمِرَاءَ وَإِنْ كَانَ مُحِقًّا [سنن أبي داود:4800]
I guarantee a home in the suburbs of Jannah for the one who leaves out arguing even though he may be correct.
[Adapted]