The harms of masturbation and pornography are countless, but their most destructive impact is seen in marriages. This article focuses specifically on how these addictions corrode the sacred bond between husband and wife.
Darul Iftaa’s, marriage counsellors, Ulama and Mashaaikh are inundated daily with marital crises. Alarmingly, a growing number of these revolve around the bedroom: low libido, asexuality (lack of sexual interest), and impotency. These are only the “smaller” issues. More severe are cases where spouses consume pornography and then demand that their partners enact depraved, fabricated acts they have seen. The destruction this causes is immeasurable. Wives have been coerced, threatened with divorce, and forced into humiliating practices. The very nature of these acts is so vile that recounting them would sicken any decent individual.
Some women have fled their marital homes. Others have endured physical abuse at the hands of husbands intoxicated by their addiction—even Ulama have been implicated. Court cases have followed, families torn apart, and children left scarred by the ugly aftermath. These are only a few examples. Many more suffer silently, crying alone while their spouses, within arm’s reach, are absorbed in pornography and masturbation.
Marriages can sometimes survive addictions like nicotine, gambling, or even drugs. But surviving a porn addiction is far more difficult. Unlike other addictions, pornography leaves no smell, no hangover, no empty pockets, and no outward intoxication. Instead, it robs a spouse of three essentials: time, attention, and desire. These, which are the lifeblood of a healthy marriage, are redirected to a screen. Without them, nothing remains of the marriage. Unless urgently reversed, the relationship collapses swiftly.
While a wife may try to help her husband reform, or a husband may attempt to guide his wife, the responsibility ultimately lies with the individual to cut off the habit. Reform cannot be imposed—it must be chosen.
Guidance from Mufti Ebrahim Desai (Rahimahullah)
The wife of an Alim once sought Mufti Ebrahim Desai’s advice regarding her husband’s porn addiction. His response offers timeless guidance for couples navigating similar struggles. Below are portions of his answer, preserved exactly as given:
Sister in Islam,
Pornography is a major sin. It deprives a person of the mercy of Allah. It also robs a person of his human morals. Your husband is engaged in a major sin. …. He is married and has a wife who can fulfill his desires in a Halal way.
Your husband must understand the evils of pornography and regret it. He must make a firm resolve to overcome the addiction. The addiction will not go away by itself. He needs to take action, otherwise, he will not be successful.
His belief that marrying a second wife will stop him from committing haram is incorrect because he is seeking an external solution (i.e. marrying a second wife) for an internal problem (i.e. pornography addiction). From your inquiry, it seems you are doing whatever possible such as beautifying yourself and being available for him. The problem, then, seems to be within him and he needs to overcome it. Marrying a second wife will not fix this.
…
Sister, it is one thing for you to understand that he has become addicted over the years, but an entirely different thing for you to accept it as normal or that this will cure itself.
Your husband needs to realize that what he is doing is wrong, seek forgiveness from Allah and commit to the recovery process.
Yes, he is probably not doing this intentionally to hurt you, but that does not mean he is not causing you pain and sorrow through these actions.
When your husband has an urge to view pornography, he should instead come to you and fulfill his desires in a lawful way. One woman has what another woman has. He needs to be open and honest with you about his urges so you can help prevent him from engaging in inappropriate behaviors.
Talk to him and help him see how wrong he is …. Collect some verses of the Quran or Ahadith on the prohibition of illicit conduct. Present them to him in a diplomatic and caring way. Remind him of death, the condition of the Qabr and the punishment of Allah Ta’ala in the hereafter for such immoral conduct. Tell him you love him and care for him not to be punished. Present thought-provoking points to him, for example,
- Would you view such immoral content in the presence of your mother?
- How will your mother, who gave birth to you and cared for you look at you thereafter?
…
- How then can you view such content in the presence of Allah when you know the Creator of all eyes is seeing you?
- How daring can you be in front of Allah?
- What if death comes to you in that condition? What will become of you?
- Would you tolerate your mother or sister to be those images in the porn? Imagine looking at your mother or sister conducting such acts.
Quote him the following Hadith about the youngster who wanted to commit Zina. See the shame that Nabi (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) instilled in him.
عَنْ أَبِي أُمَامَةَ قَال َإِنَّ فَتًى شَابًّا أَتَى النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ ائْذَنْ لِي بِالزِّنَا فَأَقْبَلَ الْقَوْمُ عَلَيْهِ فَزَجَرُوهُ قَالُوا مَهْ مَهْ فَقَالَ ادْنُهْ فَدَنَا مِنْهُ قَرِيبًا قَالَ فَجَلَسَ قَالَ أَتُحِبُّهُ لِأُمِّكَ قَالَ لَا وَاللَّهِ جَعَلَنِي اللَّهُ فِدَاءَكَ قَالَ وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِأُمَّهَاتِهِمْ قَالَ أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِابْنَتِكَ قَالَ لَا وَاللَّهِ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ جَعَلَنِي اللَّهُ فِدَاءَكَ قَالَ وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِبَنَاتِهِمْ قَالَ أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِأُخْتِكَ قَالَ لَا وَاللَّهِ جَعَلَنِي اللَّهُ فِدَاءَكَ قَالَ وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِأَخَوَاتِهِمْ قَالَ أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِعَمَّتِكَ قَالَ لَا وَاللَّهِ جَعَلَنِي اللَّهُ فِدَاءَكَ قَالَ وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِعَمَّاتِهِمْ قَالَ أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِخَالَتِكَ قَالَ لَا وَاللَّهِ جَعَلَنِي اللَّهُ فِدَاءَكَ قَالَ وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِخَالَاتِهِمْ قَالَ فَوَضَعَ يَدَهُ عَلَيْهِ وَقَالَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ ذَنْبَهُ وَطَهِّرْ قَلْبَهُ وَحَصِّنْ فَرْجَهُ فَلَمْ يَكُنْ بَعْدُ ذَلِكَ الْفَتَى يَلْتَفِتُ إِلَى شَيْءٍ
Translation: Abu Umaamah (Radhiyallahu Anhu) said: A young man came to Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) and said, “O Messenger of Allah Ta’ala, give me permission to commit zina.” The people turned to him to rebuke him, saying, “Shh, shh.” (Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) said, “Come here.” So he came close to him and he told him to sit down. He said, “Would you like that for your mother?” He said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you.” He said, “Nor do people like it for their mothers.” He said, “Would you like it for your daughter?” He said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you.” He said, “Nor do people like it for their daughters.” He said, “Would you like it for your sister?” He said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you.” He said, “Nor do people like it for their sisters.” He said, “Would you like it for your paternal aunt?” He said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you.” He said, “Nor do people like it for their paternal aunts.” He said, “Would you like it for your maternal aunt?” He said, “No, by Allah, may I be sacrificed for you.” He said, “Nor do people like it for their maternal aunts.” Then he placed his hand on him and said, “O Allah, forgive his sin, purify his heart, and guard his chastity.” And after that, this young man never did anything. [Musnad Ahmed:21708]
Also obtain appropriate literature and place it within his sight, for example, lower your gaze, the evils of porn etc.
Place cards or frames around the house with advices – Fear Allah Ta’ala – You are not alone – Allah is watching etc. All these are means of Hidayah (guidance).
Then perform Salatul Hajat and make Dua to Allah Ta’ala to put Barakah in the means you have adopted.
You can then work with him to block websites and apps on any devices (computers, laptops, smart phones) he has access to. The passwords should be known to you only so it is difficult for him to engage in any inappropriate activity.
We are listing some software and services that can be used to block inappropriate content:
Qustodio: The free version of Qustodio can protect a single device and includes basic protection features. The smart filters block inappropriate content even in private browsing mode. The website is: https://www.qustodio.com
FamilyShield: This is a free service from OpenDNS. It is preconfigured to block adult content. The website is: https://www.opendns.com/setupguide/#familyshield
Norton Family: This service is currently being offered at no cost for 6 months. It blocks unsuitable sites. The website is: https://family.norton.com/web/
While blocking websites and apps is a good step forward, it is not the solution. By itself, blocking website and apps will not help overcome an addiction of pornography.
The solution is getting professional help with the aid of a support group and therapist. Your husband would need to see a Muslim sex addiction therapist who can help him overcome this problem with Islamic principles. Your husband needs counselling sessions with a therapist and also group therapy, if possible, to know that other Muslim men are struggling with the same issues and are in the process of overcoming their addiction. That will give him encouragement to overcome his addiction as well. He will realize the problem is internal, not external. He will also be able to lean on those brothers for support, learn from their experiences and benefit from group therapy with them. If you do not find any therapists in your area … get online therapy …
While it is very noble of you to understand that this addiction will not go away in a few days, you cannot just allow him to continue. You should be patient – but – you need to be firm as well. Help him realize that he is heading in the wrong direction and needs to change course. You can – and should support him through the recovery process – but you cannot ignore his addiction because it is and will continue to affect you and your marital relationship in addition to your husband’s spiritual and physical well-being.
If there is a need for you to take strong action against him with the intention of stopping him, you may do so. You know his weak point. He is afraid of being rejected by people. That is why he doesn’t want to take a second wife.
Ask him, what if people come to know of your addiction? What you are afraid of will be a reality and even worse. The pain of embarrassment will make you forget all your desire and you will only regret.
You may even state to him that you may be compelled to discuss the issue with his seniors.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best [1]
May Allah Ta’ala ease the suffering of those whose marriages are scarred by this addiction. May He grant us all the realization of the severity of masturbation and pornography, and guide us to purity, dignity, and marital harmony. Aameen.
To be continued Insha’Allah.
[1] The full question and answer can be found on the following link https://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/45576