Many of us find ourselves in the same or similar positions as the question reproduced below. We echo similar statements to this sister. “I try so hard to be good to my in-laws” , “How much longer must I continue being the better person?”, “Will they ever change?. And sometimes its just plain and simple, “WHY!!!”
The situation can be, to put it lightly, absolutely infuriating. That fire of fury eventually burns us from the inside out, then it spreads onto our spouses and children too. But before we throw in the towel, rather take a step back and look towards the Quran and Hadith for guidance and solace. Allah Ta’ala clearly states the reality for some of us:
And we have placed some of you as a test for others. Will you remain patient?! And your Rabb sees everything. (Surah Furqan :20)
Furthermore, how comforting is the following narration of our most compassionate Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam)!
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، أَنَّ رَجُلًا قَالَ: يَا رَسُولَ اللهِ إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً أَصِلُهُمْ وَيَقْطَعُونِي، وَأُحْسِنُ إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيئُونَ إِلَيَّ، وَأَحْلُمُ عَنْهُمْ وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَيَّ، فَقَالَ: «لَئِنْ كُنْتَ كَمَا قُلْتَ، فَكَأَنَّمَا تُسِفُّهُمُ الْمَلَّ وَلَا يَزَالُ مَعَكَ مِنَ اللهِ ظَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَلِكَ»
A man (came to Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) and) said, “O Nabi of Allah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) I have relatives whom I join ties with, but they sever ties with me. I treat them very well but they treat me badly. I am forbearing with them but they behave foolishly with, and disregard me.” Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) replied to him, “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are feeding them hot ash. And Allah Ta’ala’s help will perpetually be with you as long as you continue behaving the way you do” [Muslim:2558]
Allamah Turbishti (Rahimahullah) explains the expression ‘…as if you are feeding them hot ash…’ thus; Your good turns, when they repay it with nastiness, will become a calamity for them. So, it’s as if you, by treating them well and them doing the opposite, are feeding them coal (which they consume and eventually burn their own stomachs). [Mirqaat:4924]
Most certainly with the Quran, Hadith and advice of our seniors, we’ll be able to navigate our situation and gain the best from it. Who knows, perhaps Allah Ta’ala, The Controller of Hearts, will even cause a complete U-turn and change our relationships for the better. Ameen.
Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum
Respected ‘Ulama
I hope and pray this email finds everyone in good health.
Alhamdulillah, Allah Ta‘ala has guided us to change our lives around and we practice on Deen but we still have a long way to go. The problem is I have a lot of hatred in my heart for my mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law treats the whole community well but treats me like a rock with no heart or a dog she found on the street. She has a very dirty heart towards me and just can’t see me happy. She advertises our personal life to all her friends and neighbours but keeps her daughter’s life a top secret.
I can’t have a decent conversation with her because she knows everything. Even if I make small talk, she must act like she knows more or prove me wrong. This all has reached the point that I hate her and can’t stand her sight. I don’t even call her mummy because she is not close to a mother to me. I have withdrawn completely from spending time with her or even speaking much to her. I feel bad because my parents treat my husband well and he is also good to them.
I have tried my best to be good to her but she just won’t change her ways. When I stand up for myself, she gets defensive and never listens to what my husband and I have to say.
May Allah Ta‘ala accept and reward the Uswatul Muslimah team for all the work you are doing for Deen.
Jazakallahu Khairan
Answer:
Bismihi Ta‘ala
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh
Respected Sister
- The conduct of your mother-in-law, which you have described, is indeed wrong. Such conduct is against the dictates of good Akhlaaq which is so greatly emphasized in the Ahaadeeth.
- While your mother in law’s conduct is very wrong (as per your description), our simple advice to you is to “fight fire with water”. If you fight fire with fire, there is likely to be an inferno. The “water” in this case is the following aspects:
– Read about the virtues of adopting good Akhlaaq and of returning evil with good. Then commit yourself to become a person of good character, especially with your mother-in-law, as this may perhaps earn you the greatest reward for good Akhlaaq.
– Daily take the name of your mother-in-law and make a short Du‘aa for her for every good of Dunya and Aakhirah. Do this very deeply and sincerely. If you do this five times a day, after every salaah, it will be much better. Also make Du‘aa that Allah Ta‘ala soften her heart towards you.
– Daily give some Sadaqah on her behalf, even if it is just a Rand.
– Daily recite Surah Ikhlaas 3 times, or make Istighfaar 20 times, and pass on the reward to her.
– Daily say at least one good thing about her to someone in her absence.
– Smile at her even if you do not wish to do so.
Continue with all the above, even if you find it very difficult. Insha-Allah within weeks you will notice the difference it will make.
May Allah Ta‘ala assist you.
Answered by:
Uswatul Muslimah Panel of ‘Ulama