Squabbles are inevitable in any marriage. In fact, if a couple never argues, it’s a warning sign for the relationship. It could mean one or both partners have emotionally checked out of the marriage. As a wise man once said,
‘Fighting isn’t the issue in your marriage, it’s what happens after that really matters’
Below we’ll discuss a few tips from a seasoned marriage counsellor and spouse, with over 56 years of experience in fighting…ehm…sorry marriage.
Etiquettes for ‘Engagement’
- Never fight in public.
No one wants to see your dirty laundry aired in public. Those who ‘enjoy’ it are just there to broadcast it and gossip. The husband and wife will make up and be more in love than before the fight, but the outsider becomes bitter. Make sure to put on a brave face in front of everyone else. If you absolutely must, at least wait till you reach the bedroom to blow your top at your spouse. (Make sure the neighbours don’t hear the explosion). Have enough respect for each other to do it in private.
- Don’t give the silent treatment.
It doesn’t fix anything. It really only makes matters worse. If you need some air or space, take a short walk. But when you come back, be ready to communicate.
- Don’t go to bed angry.
Contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t mean you should stay awake and fight all night. Tell your spouse you love them, apologise, and wholeheartedly agree to work it out in the morning. Often, you will find that both of you are tired, causing befogged minds. Get some rest, but make it absolutely clear to your spouse that, in the interim, the marriage is still a safe space. Be there for them in all other capacities. Discuss the issue when both of you have clearer minds and are rested.
- Never argue in front of the kids.
Kids should feel their parents never fight.
If you want your children to grow up with a mocktail of various emotional issues;
- Fight in front of them.
- Make them a part of your arguments.
- Make sure they are within earshot when you raise your voice at your spouse.
Obviously, no one wants this for their children. In fact, don’t even speak condescendingly to or about your spouse in front of your kids. Children are innocent and impressionable. They pick up a lot more than we adults realise. Your words and actions will eventually show in their behaviour towards their mother/father. As we know, in Islam, disrespecting one’s parents is detrimental. In short, by involving your children in your squabbles, you are harming them more than anyone else.
- Not every fight is worth having.
Sometimes you just have to let it go. Don’t let your pride get in the way. Humble yourself, Allah Ta’ala is watching and He will recompense you for this humility with a brilliant reward from His treasures. Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) mentions so beautifully,
وَمَا تَوَاضَعَ أَحَدٌ لِلَّهِ إِلَّا رَفَعَهُ اللهُ
No one humbles himself solely desiring (the pleasure of) Allah Ta’ala, except that Allah Ta’ala raises him (in rank and honour) [Muslim:2588]
Ask yourself the golden question,
‘What’s more important? The issue I’m fighting about, or the marriage I ought to be fighting for!?’
- Sometimes you have to bite your tongue.
Remember! Once you’ve said something, there’s no getting it back. Once the statement has left your mouth, there’s no un-saying it. As the elders would say, ‘Fill your mouth with water’. Meaning, rather keep it to yourself and contemplate weather your thoughts should remain thoughts, or there is some benefit in verbalising them. If it’s the latter, make sure your approach and your manner of addressing are compassionate and considerate. Sometimes we are correct, but our approach causes bad blood with our spouse.
- Forgive! Forgive! Forgive!
Our pride, ego and Shaytaan will make this seem like the hardest thing ever. When your rage is peaking, and your ‘hatred’ has reached an epitome, look at the man or woman in front of you. Recollect all those favours they’ve done for you. Recount the loving moments you’ve shared with him/her. Inhale. Exhale. And forgive. If there’s anyone deserving of your forgiveness, it is your spouse! How beautiful is the encouragement of our Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam). What further incentive does a Mu’min require after these words,
وَمَا زَادَ اللهُ عَبْدًا بِعَفْوٍ، إِلَّا عِزًّا
Allah Ta’ala only increases a person in honour and respect when he forgives. [Muslim2588]
Granted. Marital disagreements are draining. But Insha Allah if we adhere to these seven steps in the face of disagreements, we’ll grow closer as a couple. We will learn to peacefully navigate the most tempestuous storms life throws at us. Nothing will ever rock our ship of marriage, and most importantly, we will get through every dilemma in the best way possible; Together!