This series is written by a renowned female, Muslim author. She has lovingly and insightfully captured the lessons she’s picked up along her twenty-five (and counting) year journey through the beautiful path of marriage.
Marriage Advice
Have you ever set foot inside a couple’s home and immediately felt a sense of Sakinah or peace wash over you? Whether it was a modestly-furnished apartment in a neighbourhood where people struggle to make ends meet, or a magnificent mansion in the most coveted district, these spaces radiated warmth, love and tranquillity. What was their secret? How did the husband and wife together achieve this calm and quietude in a world that is too often overwhelmed with cacophony and chaos?
Over the past quarter of a century, many of my elders, teachers, relatives, friends, and community members have shared a whole range of marital advice with me. Being fortunate enough to have witnessed Tawfiq, or Divine success, in a number of harmonious unions — in which many of the tips outlined here were implemented — I feel it is advantageous for us to learn from the success stories in our circles. Therefore, I am sharing the most helpful gems of wisdom in the hopes that you will find suggestions that are of benefit to you. I am not a perfect wife nor would I say I have a perfect marriage, but I do know that these suggestions have worked for me whenever I have been able to act on any of them, Alhamdulillah.
Please keep in mind that this advice is for those women who are in substantially healthy marriages. The assumption is that their husbands are God-fearing, are not emotionally or physically abusive, know how to give their wives their rights, and do not have any debilitating addictions, vices, personality disorders, or mental health struggles. Although most of the following counsels are primarily for the wife in the marriage, some do apply to both partners — however, you will have to go to a male writer if you want advice solely for the husband.
Therefore, dear sisters, while reading, please resist protesting, “But what about him?” This isn’t about him — this is about you and me.
Make Allah Your #1 Love
A scholar once encouraged us to look at our order of priorities in life as a pyramid with Allah Ta’ala, great and glorified is He, at the top. It is from the understanding of having a hierarchy — of Allah Ta’ala first; then husband; then children and parents and teachers; then closest friends and extended family; then greater community — that the barakah, or blessing, comes into the home and flows out to every family member. Many people mix up the order and then don’t understand why there isn’t peace in the home and why the children are rebellious. Look at your circles of concern, and then make sure that an awareness of Allah Ta’ala, great and glorified is He, is at the top of the pyramid which then runs as a core through all of the other layers.
Pray together and pray for one another. Supplicate every step of the way. Rely on Salaat-ul-Istikhara, or the prayer of guidance, for all major family decisions. Pray for your union to bring healthy and righteous children into the world who will grow up to be beloved to Allah Ta’ala, great and glorified is He. One scholar light heartedly but sincerely advised us to “pray that your partner is someone who drags you to Jannah (Paradise).”
Make your marriage a means of drawing closer to Allah Ta’ala, of pleasing Him. Look at it as an act of worship. Have big intentions. Don’t keep score of how much you’re doing for your husband versus how much he’s doing for you; instead, make your intention solely for Allah Ta’ala, great and glorified is He. Seek His approval and pleasure — and His alone.
Work on Increasing Your Love and Affection
Follow the example of the Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam. There was a reason he encouraged spouses to hold hands and to feed one another from the same plate. Just like any other blessing, marriage can eventually start to feel “old” and “stale” and “taken-for-granted,” but these types of intimate gestures help to re-invigorate the marriage.
Take note of the five “languages of love” — providing service; giving time; giving verbal praise/affirmation; giving physical affection; giving gifts — and see which one your spouse utilizes on you the most. If you have a different language of love, he may not notice it unless you reciprocate from time to time with the same language that he is using. Learn his love language and then use it in order to be “heard.”
Flirt
But please don’t be overly demonstrative in public. That just makes everyone else extremely uncomfortable. As a couple, preserve your dignity and self-respect.
Establish a routine or a tradition that no one else is allowed to get in the way of — not work, not parents, not children. For some couples, it will be Sunday morning brunch together; for others, it will be after-dinner tea; yet others may choose to go for an evening walk or to read aloud to one another in bed. There are many who have established a designated “Date Night” in their weekly schedule. Have something special just for you two and then jealously guard it; it should be something that you both will miss if it ever got taken away.
Hold onto your passions and interests. You may not be into each other’s “pet projects,” but be each other’s biggest cheerleaders. Ask sincere questions about whatever hobby the other is into.
Khidmah, or service, wins hearts. Filling his gas tank that you realize is almost on empty, helping him complete the dreaded tax forms, sewing on his button that you noticed came loose are all signs that you care about him and are looking out for him. For some spouses, actions speak much louder than words. There should be a difference between you being present in his life and you being absent.
Go to bed at the same time
Among the most important duties of husbands and wives in the Islamic context is the fulfilment of one another’s sexual needs. This is not something to take lightly. Spouses who insist on rejecting their partner’s advances cannot be surprised to witness their relationship disintegrate. There are situations when a husband is forbidden to approach his wife for intercourse (i.e. during her menstrual cycle, during her postpartum bleeding, and during fasts in Ramadan), but outside of these cases, it is imperative for both spouses to do their utmost to make sure they are partners in every way — not least of which, physically.
Always pray that Allah Ta’ala maintains the love in your heart for your spouse and that He preserves the love in your partner’s heart for you. Allah Ta’ala is the One Who puts love in our hearts for one another, and He is the One Who can take that same love out in any split second. If you stop to think about it, it is a sheer wonder that out of the billions of people in the world, there is one person who has that special love in his heart for you — that is nothing short of a miracle in and of itself. Thank Him for that blessing.
To be continued Insha Allah.