- Speaking harshly to their spouse.
When a child sees any parent mock their spouse, talk down to them or belittle them, something inside the child shifts negatively. The child notices everything, even though he/she may not say anything or pretend not to notice. Witnessing this sort of behaviour makes them question love. It makes them question safety. It makes them feel like home is a place where you hurt those closest to you.
Often, it’s not only about what you say, it’s about how you say it. Your tone becomes the way they speak to others. Your harshness becomes their normal. Your son thinks this is how a man speaks to women. Your daughter believes this is what she must tolerate to feel loved. And these are detrimental.
وخيارُكم خيارُكم لأهلِه – و زاد الترمذي – و أنا خيركم لأهلي
And the best of you is the one who is best towards his family…. and I am the best among you to my family. [Abu Dawood:4682, Tirmizi:3895]
- Unchecked anger.
You can get angry, but the way you handle it matters. Ensure your child never experiences the misfortune of seeing you yell, throw things, storm out, give silent treatment, or shut down completely. If they witness any of this, they develop the perception that anger is scary. They lose trust in love, believing love can turn into violence. Now they lose the ability to correctly deal with their emotions, and they shy away from emotions, believing that emotions are dangerous.
Your child will begin walking on eggshells. They will stop sharing and shut down too. In other cases, the child might start copying you. When they grow up, they too will not know how to handle their emotions. Then you’ll look back and realise that they only behaved according to what you showed them.
Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) mentioned,
لَيْسَ الشَّدِيدُ بِالصُّرَعَةِ إِنَّمَا الشَّدِيدُ الَّذِي يَمْلِكُ نَفْسَهُ عِنْدَ الْغَضَبِ
The strong one is not the one who can wrestle. Rather, the strong one is one who can control himself when he gets angry. [Saheeh Muslim:2609]
This is the kind of strength they need to see from you.
- Being two faced.
The man you are outside the home should be the same man your children see inside it, or better. Smiling at the world, but harsh at home? Patient with strangers, but cold with your family? This not only breaks the trust of your children, it distorts their understanding of Islam. Children feel these inconsistencies strongly. They may not say anything, but they’ll definitely be thinking, “Why does mom/dad pretend?”
Psychologically this is known as identity-warping. It instills in your child the quality of ‘acting’ Islam, not living Islam. It teaches them to only be kind when it benefits them. It teaches them to act pious publicly, and be selfish privately.
O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do!? [Saff:2]
Your kids are watching. They definitely know when the Deen you display to others isn’t the same as the Deen you live at home. One day they’ll eventually end up walking away from it (Allah Ta’ala save us and them) or repeating the same pattern. Don’t show your children that Akhlaaq is just a costume. Show them that it is something always dependable and permanent. In fact, the Hadith teaches us that the best Akhlaaq should be in our homes, with our families.
- Prioritising a screen over them.
You’re always there but never present. The phone is always in your hand. The laptop is always open. The controller is always at hand. The innocent soul is speaking to you but your eyes and ears are elsewhere. You’re home but your attention is not. To them this says, “I’m not important” , “I don’t matter” , “I’m a burden”. In the long term the child will stop seeking your presence, and they’ll stop talking to you. One day, when you’re finally conscious and want to give them time, they won’t need or want it anymore. They will have built a world for themselves without you in it.
Time with your child is an act of worship! It is the purport of being a shepherd to your flock.
أَلَا كُلُّكُمْ رَاعٍ، وَكُلُّكُمْ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ
Behold! Each one of you is a shepherd and each one will be questioned (on the day of Qiyamah) regarding his flock. [Muslim:1829]
Being present is a major part of your Amanah! Your kids don’t need perfection. Your kids probably don’t need things or money. They need you. They need to feel safe. They need to know they matter. They need to see love and mercy in the form of a parent. If you don’t show it to them, they’ll grow up not knowing how to play these roles, or how to identify them in potential partners. These things shape your children in ways that aren’t always immediately apparent. But one day, you’ll see it in the way they speak, the way they love, and the way they carry their Deen.
May Allah Ta’ala guide us to be parents of Ihsan. May He keep us calm when angry, kind when tested, and present when our children need it most. May Allah Ta’ala allow our sons to grow up as people who lead with mercy. And may He let our daughter grow up well acquainted with the safety of love. Ameen.