Be a Uniter and Not a Divider
When you get to know your in-laws, you will see that not every family does everything the way your family does. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Take the good you see in your new family and adopt it. Ignore the “bad.” Do resolve with your husband, however, not to allow either of your families’ poor habits and poor choices to continue in the next generation that you two are raising together.
Don’t complain about or criticize your spouse to your own family. You’ll eventually get over whatever issue was bothering you, but it will be difficult for them to forgive and forget so easily. You want them to respect your husband. Be a veil for him. (Physical abuse, however, is a non-negotiable deal-breaker — God forbid, if that line is ever crossed, sound the alarm and get help immediately!)
If you want him to respect your family, you will have to show respect for them first. He will follow your lead. If he sees that your family is always causing you to feel annoyed, he will eventually start to resent them for bringing stress into his own household. Protect and nurture that special yet fragile relationship between him and his in-laws.
Even if it doesn’t seem to be a priority for him, take the time to buy his parents and siblings thoughtful presents — just because. The Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) said,
وَتَهَادَوْا تَحَابُّوا
“Give gifts to each other and you will love one another.” [Muwatta Imam Malik:3368]
So go ahead and “buy” their love — it’s sunnah after all!
If your husband is ever upset with his own parents or siblings or extended family, don’t jump in and encourage him in his negative opinions. Defend them and make excuses for them and encourage him to see the good in them. Be their advocate. If you have nothing nice to say, stay silent. He may not admit it then, but he will be grateful for your attitude and thank you — even if only in his heart — later. The truth is: no one wants to hear anyone else bad-mouthing his family. Remember when we talked about service being one of the “five languages of love?” Well, here is an opportunity for one of the highest forms of service. Be someone who helps mend hearts and helps bring relations together; don’t be a cause for discord in the family.
Don’t Try to Keep Up with the Junaids
Avoid debt like the plague. A large, fancy, expensive house may do nothing toward making you happy. However, a small, clean, cozy, simple, peaceful home in a safe neighbourhood filled with people who are hopefully trying to please Allah can very well feel like a palace in Heaven, Inshallah.
Responsibly managing the family budget will avoid a lot of stress in your marriage. Paying Riba, or usury, brings about all kinds of problems in one’s life and destroys the Barakah, or blessing, in the home. Don’t ever pay interest, even if it means you never get to own your own home or car in this life. Keep your “Akhirah (hereafter) glasses” on.
Make do with what you have, and only complain to Allah Ta’ala for your wants and needs. Make your husband feel like a hero. Having said that, don’t hesitate to schedule time to have honest conversations with your husband about anything that needs to be improved — the key is not to become an irritating nag who is constantly whining and complaining and issuing orders. Talk to your spouse when he is in the headspace to listen.
Be grateful. Be grateful. Be grateful. Allah Ta’ala says in The Holy Qur’an:
لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ
“If you are grateful, I will surely increase you.” [Ebrahim:7]
And Allah always keeps His promises.
Remember: You will never have it all (not in this life at least).
Don’t compare your life to others!
At the same time, you might not want to brag to the world about how happy you are. ’Ayn (the evil eye) and Hasad (malicious jealousy) are two realities that Allah Ta’ala in His Wisdom has allowed to exist in the world. Protect your marriage from them. Besides, who would ever want to be the cause of any pain or sadness for those who are struggling with their own love lives?
There will be “little things” that will irritate you about him, and sometimes those causes for irritation might start to feel like “big things” (even when they are not). At those times, remind yourself that perfection is only for Allah Ta’ala, try to think about what life would be like without him, and be grateful for a spouse who is choosing to somehow still accept you despite your shortcomings. (And if someone else’s husband seems perfect to you, remember that everyone has flaws, and good wives hide their husbands’ shortcomings, so you are probably not getting the full picture — nor should you expect to.)
Instead of chasing “happiness,” try aiming for “contentment” instead.
Don’t take one another for granted. Your spouse is a Duniyawi, or worldly, blessing that can be taken away at any moment. And, believe it or not, somewhere out there is someone who would be more than happy to trade places with you. Appreciate what Allah Ta’ala has given you.
Have a Mentor in Marriage
Avoid getting marital advice from people whom you know are having their own relationship problems. Similarly, stay away from getting advice from newbies who are still learning the ropes themselves. Look to someone who has a long-term, successful marriage of his or her own to find out how to make it work. Try to find one wise, discreet person to consult; don’t tell everyone your “problems.”
If someone you respect says you need therapy, you probably do. Don’t be ashamed to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Give it your all.
If you do pay for marital therapy, only seek out trained professionals who understand and respect the parameters and priorities of your religion. You’ll be surprised at how often well-meaning (but spiritually clueless) therapists will prescribe the haram, or Divinely prohibited, as medicine for a troubled marriage.
Set Yourself Up to Soar Spiritually
He may be your best friend, or maybe he’s not. Either way, don’t neglect your girlfriends. Take time to nurture those bonds that help you be a better person. There will come a day when you will need the support of your sisters. Don’t let falling in love make you fall out of friendship with your “tribe.” Consider connection with your soul sisters as part of your self-care, but remember that your husband and his needs always take precedence. If, after being married, people routinely mistake you for being “single,” you’re definitely doing something wrong.
Attend religious classes together, either in person or online. The point is to keep growing together spiritually. You may not grow at the same pace (and that’s okay — you’re two separate souls after all!), but at least you’ll respect the same teachers and will understand each other’s motivations and end goals.
Instead of listening to those who advise “Don’t let marriage change you,” amend their words to “Marriage should only change you for the better.”
Take an occasional break and travel — even if you can only afford to do so locally.
But make Allah Ta’ala your ultimate destination
May Allah Ta’ala bless us all with the happiest, healthiest families, and make us leaders of His righteous servants. Ameen.