4. Acts of Service
Some people feel loved when their partners or loved ones carry out acts of service for them. “It fills my love tank the way she takes care of the home, or when she has a fresh home cooked meal ready as soon as I enter the door.” “It makes me love him when he does the maintenance at home, changes my car tyre, or helps me by putting the kids to bed.” If any of these resonate with you, chances are that ‘Acts of Service’ is the love language you speak. Acts of service can be any Khidmah which makes your spouse happy. They are powerful communicators of love because they require effort, energy, attention, planning and thought.
Perhaps the saying ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’ was coined by someone whose husband’s primary love language was acts of service!
This too, Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) has displayed to us in his Mubaarak life and Sunnah,
عن الأَسْوَدِ، قَالَ سَأَلْتُ عَائِشَةَ مَا كَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَصْنَعُ فِي بَيْتِهِ قَالَتْ كَانَ يَكُونُ فِي مِهْنَةِ أَهْلِهِ ـ تَعْنِي خِدْمَةَ أَهْلِهِ ـ فَإِذَا حَضَرَتِ الصَّلاَةُ خَرَجَ إِلَى الصَّلاَةِ.
Hazrat Aayesha (Radiyallahu Anha) says that when Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) would be at home He would involve himself in doing acts of service for his household and when azaan would be called he would go for Salaah. [Bukhaari #676]
֎ Tips:
Keep in mind this golden principle – “Requests give direction to love, demands stop the flow of love.”
Even if your love language is acts of service, be careful not to be demanding from your spouse. Chances are they will conduct the act for you, but it will not be wholeheartedly, and it will not fill your love tanks.
֎ Times are vastly different to that of our grandparents. Mindsets and ideas have changed drastically. If your love language is acts of service, remember that it does not make your spouse your personal servant. If your spouse conducts these acts, it does not afford you the right to order them around willy-nilly, it should engender greater love between you two.
֎ Also, in some communities, carrying out acts of service for your spouse may require you to overcome stereotypes. This will pre-dominantly be for males whose wives’ love acts of service. Remember that your relationship with your spouse is more important than stereotypes which have no basis in the Mubarak Sunnah!
֎ Does your spouse ‘nag’ you to do things? Have they made requests to you previously to carry out certain things? Use these as guides to see what kind of service you can do for your spouse to fill their love tank.
֎ If your spouse loves acts of service, ask them to make a list of ten things they want you to do for them. Arrange the list in order of most important to least important. Then conduct one act every few days till you have completed the list. It will revolutionise your relationship.
֎ Keep in mind this is a love language with many, many dialects. Be sure to identify the correct dialect which your spouse speaks.
5. Physical Touch:
We already know this to be a love language when it comes to children and babies. Don’t we instinctively hug, kiss and carry a child we love? But did you know this is a primary love language for many adults as well? Some adults speak the love language of physical touch. Any physical touch, intimate or otherwise. Not receiving it can make them feel unwanted, unloved, and even rejected. This will certainly lead to the person withdrawing. Remember, physical touch is not restricted to sexual relations only! Make a point of frequently touching your spouse, holding them, hugging them, and kissing them. In doing this, it is important to maintain the boundaries of Hayaa in public. Often, we will hold our spouse’s hand when we go out, whereas in the home physical contact is as rare as a hen with teeth. Remember, physical affection is for your spouse, not for the public’s viewing satisfaction. Ascertain first which dialect of physical touch your spouse speaks; meaning which type of physical touch makes them feel loved and which kind they do not enjoy. Massages, discreet under-the-table touches, a hug before departing, a peck on the cheek every morning. Let your imagination run wild in expressing physical touch to your spouse.
Like everything else on this list, physical touch too was demonstrated in the most beautiful manner by Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam). Below are a few moments when Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) expressed love through physical intimacy:
أن عائشة حدثتها أن النبي صلى الله عليه و سلم كان يتكىء في حجري … ثم يقرأ القرآن
Aisha (Radiyahllahu Anha) narrated that Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) would lie in her lap …. and recite Quraan. [Bukhari:293]
عَنْ عَائِشَةَ رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهَا، قَالَتْ: «كَانَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يُقَبِّلُ إِحْدَى نِسَائِهِ، وَهُوَ صَائِمٌ» ثُمَّ تَضْحَكُ
Aisha (Radiyahllahu Anha) mentioned that Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) would kiss one of his wives whilst he was fasting. After relating this she would smile. [Muslim:1106]
Tips: ֎ Holding your spouse’s hand. Cliché, easy and very under-rated. If you have correctly assessed your spouse’s love language to be physical touch, try holding their hand. A suitable time to try could be whilst in the car on a journey.
֎ Lie in your spouse’s lap or kiss your spouse. Make Niyyah of Sunnah too. Your bond with your spouse will increase, and you’ll be rewarded for practicing a Sunnah.
֎ Try drafting massages and hugs into your daily schedule. Make sure it’s conscious and intentional.
Insha Allah, in the next article we will discuss the importance of these love languages, how we can use them to our advantage, and how to ascertain which love language our spouse speaks.