Glory be to (Allah Ta’ala) The One who created all (in) pairs; from what the earth grows and from (humankind) themselves, and from that which they do not know. [Yaseen:36]
In the last article we discussed in detail the “in-love experience” and how it is not true love. We learnt that once those feelings and emotions mellow out, reality and reason return. At this point, man’s primary need for love resurfaces.
This is when real love is required. Responsible, intentional love. Because without doubt, it is only this love which truly satiates our emotional need.
What Is Genuine Love Then?
Some psychologists analyse human nature in the following way: Every single person, adult and child alike, walks around with an emotional love tank. The in-love experience temporarily fills this tank. For many, unfortunately, this is the first time in their lives their love tank runs on full. Allah Ta’ala has created us with this emotional need for love. For a brief period (the in-love experience), our souls are receiving the recommended dosage of love it requires to function properly. Naturally, once we have tasted this fulfilment, we become more in need of it than ever before. We begin to need and crave the feeling of a full emotional love tank. Just as the body becomes satiated with good nutrition, emotional tanks become healthy with genuine love.
So how then do we fill these love tanks, and keep our own tanks sufficiently filled?
Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor with over thirty years of experience, has a solution which may answer this question and solve many dilemmas which haunt our marriages.
He suggests, after vast research and experience, that every person speaks a language of love, exactly as we speak in different vernaculars. Some English, others Arabic, Urdu, Chinese and the list goes on. Now, for a person to understand what you are trying to express, it is necessary for you to be speaking in a language he understands. Scream as loud as you wish in a foreign language, a foreigner will not understand a word you are saying. Similarly, for our spouses (and our children as well) to comprehend the love we feel for them, it is necessary that we express that love in their love language. A language which they are fluent in and understand easily. Speaking a person’s love language will make him/her feel loved. On the contrary, one might give a long ‘bayaan’ expressing love in a foreign love language, alas, the person being addressed will not feel loved in the slightest, just as one would not understand a lecture by a person speaking a language he does not understand.
An easy, and perhaps very pertinent, example which we could understand this through; A young boy’s parents love their child and always shower him with the most lavish gifts. By means of gifting they are expressing their love to him. This is a love language which they are speaking to their child. If he appreciates and loves gifts, if he speaks the ‘love language’ of gifting, this child will be the happiest and most obedient kid ever. Why not, when his emotional love tank is overflowing. But if spending quality time with the child, for example, is his love language, then even the latest, most expensive item will not fill his love tank. He will need the undivided attention of his parents to feel loved.
In a nutshell; Speaking someone’s love language fills their emotional love tank. A full tank satiates the need of being loved. A loved individual is a happy individual. Happy individuals make happy couples. Happy couples take care of each other. And it doesn’t end there. Happy couples are able to be of service to those outside the home and marriage as well!
So, “What then are the love languages people speak?” you may ask. There are five primary love languages that all people can be categorised into. Now, keep in mind that, just as vernaculars, these love languages have an infinite number of dialects which they can be spoken in. It is necessary for each person to study their beloved to learn the nuances specific to that individual. Furthermore, it takes great vigilance to become an expert at the dialect which the beloved speaks. But the effort will be worth it, for speaking the love language of your spouse will fill his/her emotional love tank. And a person with a full love tank will pour out their love to others. Having a full emotional love tank is life changing, and it is guaranteed to turn a new leaf in your marriage as well!
The Big 5
Below is a list of the five love languages.
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Did you know?
These languages have already been demonstrated to us in the words and actions of our beloved Nabi صلى الله عليه وسلم.
Insha Allah, in the coming articles we will discuss more detail on each, how to identify them, and tips on how to speak the language. We will also reveal how these languages are spoken in the words of the Mubarak Ahadith.